I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
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Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly