Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
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Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Me :
All Day At Night
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Me too door. Me too.