I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
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4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I’m being attacked 😭
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I am never leaving this website
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-