One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
You Might Also Like
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I need to update my racial profile.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?