I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
You Might Also Like
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
That time Alicia messaged me
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.