netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
You Might Also Like
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
My circle of trust is a meatball
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?