These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
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fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Natural selection at its finest
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up