Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
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I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
yea so i messed up lol
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
i don鈥檛 trust anyone who says they miss high school
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Today鈥檚 kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 馃槀
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 馃憥
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
My dad teaching me to drive