Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
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In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I didn’t come here to be called names
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.