Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
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English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Don’t snitch tag.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.