*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
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WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son