After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
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Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Hmm, not sure about this change
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
How do you like your Corgi?