Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
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Mistakes were made
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
you will never know the true number of layers
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I feel seen
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie