Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
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Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE