I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
You Might Also Like
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”