Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
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THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Generation gap…
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.