The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
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Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I鈥檓 sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it鈥檚 for the town鈥檚 protection.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 馃槒
Him: We all are…
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don鈥檛. You鈥檙e the adult.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me