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I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!