I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
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No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I came this close!!!!
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.