Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
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“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.