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2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body