You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
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I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.