Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
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*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂