My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
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brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.