DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
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Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.