Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
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*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!