911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
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Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”