4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
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Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century