damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
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I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
We’re all getting idioter.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight