I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
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I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Flock of bats
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?