Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
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DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.