I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
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ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
getting groceries
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
haha same
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.