I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
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My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.