“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
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As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”