“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
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museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I don’t know what to do
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another