Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
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You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Geez man, take it easy.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials