robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
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Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
🤣🤣🤣
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
“Sheer Arrogance”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Mornin
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Customize Your Wedding.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I’m having an out of money experience.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi