My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
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Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
And now we wait