I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
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girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
LOL
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.