Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
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Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.