I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
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5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.