Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
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Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
starting a garage orchestra
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one