interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
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hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
My favorite farside!!
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.