Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
You Might Also Like
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.