The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
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Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.