♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
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If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”