I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
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My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.