Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
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batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
dictator is short for richard potato
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.