Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
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Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
meow
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!