I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
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Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]